Why do young Christians leave the church?

David Kinnaman, in his book You Lost Me: Why Young Christians Are Leaving Church . . . and Rethinking Faith, finds that there are six reasons why young Christians drop out of church. I found these to be very thought-provoking.

The first reason is that they find many churches to be overprotective. Young people are often entrepreneurial in their thinking and seek to find new ways of doing things. In contrast, many churches are quite risk-averse. These churches prefer the status quo in their thinking and ministries.

A second reason is young people consider the church to be rather shallow and boring. They believe the church seeks proof texts and familiar slogans in contrast to doing the more difficult work of thinking more deeply about faith and the real meaning of following Christ. They crave the challenge of thinking more deeply about their faith but do not find that challenge in many churches.

Many young people believe the church is antiscience. They have seen the advances science has made in improving the lives of many people, and yet what they hear in some churches makes them think science and faith are incompatible.

Young people seek freedom, and they believe the church is too repressive. This is especially true in the area of sexuality. The church needs to do better in offering healthy perspectives on human sexuality rather than focusing on the "thou shalt nots."

A fifth reason young people have left the church is they find it too exclusive. They have been raised to be open-minded and tolerant. Too often they have seen the church exclude people who do not fit a certain mold. Furthermore, young people struggle to understand why the Bible teaches that Christianity is the only way to God when so many of their non-Christian friends seem so spiritual.

Finally, young people often find the church is not a safe place to express doubts. They seldom, if ever, hear the older members of their churches express doubts about their faith so they believe it is not safe to do so. The church must do a better job of  hearing their doubts and answering their questions.

Kinnaman goes on to address each of these reasons in detail in succeeding chapters. I find it to be an important book for churches to study if they want to keep their young people.

I once worked with a church seeking a new pastor. In my first meeting, as I always did, I asked the committee what they wanted in their next pastor. They said they wanted a pastor who would grow a youth group in the church. To this day I am not sure why I said this because I had never said it before, but I responded, "Why do you think you can grow a youth group when you couldn't keep the young people you had?" I think I wanted to point out to them that if the church did not do some things differently, a new pastor would not be able to grow and sustain a group of young people in the church.

Are any of the above issues found in your church? If so, what needs to change? 

Train up a child

Last night in my library I came across an old book I had not seen in a long time. It was A Harmony of the Gospels by A. T. Robertson. Inside on the cover page was written "To Dennis Bickers - Star of his class - Jr. class 1959" and signed by the teacher. I remember when I received the book. I believe it was for winning the Sword Drills that was popular back then for children's classes. Finding this book brought back a lot of memories.

In Proverbs 22: 6 we read "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." This is a verse that is often quoted, and misquoted. It does not necessarily mean that the child will always stay on the right path. Many godly parents have tried to raise their children in the Lord only to see them make different choices later in life. In fact, that is exactly what I did.

Like many young people raised in church there came a time when I didn't need God or the church or the teachings I had been taught as a younger child. I wanted to experience life on my terms, and I did. Growing up in the 1960s gave me many opportunities to experience life. So did my stint in the Navy. Now, don't get me wrong. I didn't make some of the choices others my age did, and I certainly didn't doubt the existence of God. I was just a good old boy who wanted to live life on my terms.

That came to an end toward my late 20s when I found myself in a rather difficult situation with no solution in sight. I realized that living life on my terms wasn't working out so well. To make a long story short, I turned back to my childhood faith and invited Christ to be my Lord and Savior. I've been living for Him ever since and have found that it is the only way to enjoy life as it is meant to be.

But...what if I had not had that early childhood training in church, in Sunday school, in VBS? What if my parents had been like many parents today who don't take their children to church but claim that they will let them make those types of choices on their own when they get older? How can they make a choice for God when they've never been exposed to God or the teachings of the Bible? What will happen to them when life begins to press down on them as it did me?  I had something to come back to; many young people today won't because they've not had the training I experienced as a child.

I realize it was probably easier in 1959. There was nothing happening Sundays and Wednesday nights except church activities. Today there are dozens of sports events and other activities that pull families away from church on those days. Back then it was acceptable, and in many places expected, that you would be in church on Sundays and Wednesdays. Today people look at you sideways if you say you are going to attend a church service. Just because it might have been easier back then doesn't mean it's not just as important today to raise children to know God and the Scriptures. In fact, with the abundance of temptations out there for young people today it may be even more important. The world today is an evil, scary place for persons who are not morally grounded.

As church leaders we need to do whatever we can to offer the very best training for our children and youth that we can. The day may come when they turn away from it, but there may also come a day when they come back to it.

How parents can raise healthy, happy children

There is no question that children and young people have it tough today. They face many more temptations and challenges than most of us ever knew when we were growing up. Many never get to know a real childhood as they are forced to grow up much too fast. When I was a pastor I often told our church that our number one priority as a church was to reach people for Jesus Christ and our second priority had to be to help families thrive in today's culture. I still believe that. There is no other organization than the church that has the tools that can help children survive these difficult growing-up years. How can we help parents ensure their children grow up to be healthy and happy individuals?

In his book What Americans Really Want...Really: The Truth About Our Hopes, Dreams, and Fears Frank Luntz offers six parental behaviors that can help raise such children.

1. Have dinner with your children. I have read that the average amount of time parents spend in meaningful conversation with their children is 3 1/2 minutes a WEEK. Sitting down to eat dinner with our children sends a message that they are important to us and gives parents an opportunity to actually talk with their children. This means no phones and no interruptions. Family dinners may be a thing of the past, but they do not have to be, and they are important for raising healthy children.
2. Take your child to church every Sunday. Church attendance keeps dwindling while cultural problems keeps increasing. I think there is a connection. Don't take your child to church and drop him or her off while you do something else. Attend services with your child so they know that your faith is important to you. 
3. Check your child's homework every night. This demonstrates that you believe their school work is important, and it helps you spot early on if there are problems. It also allows more time for conversation, especially about things going on at school.
4. Demand the truth from your children. When your children are going out you should know where they are going, who is going with them and what they are going to be doing. Don't be afraid to set boundaries about acceptable behaviors and those they associate with. Never tolerate deceit from your children. 
5. Take your children on vacation at least one week every year. They need a break from the normal lives they are living, and this gives you more time with them. Create special memories that will outlive you.
6. Encourage them to participate in a team sport. When playing team sports they learn they are responsible to other people. It also gives them exercise and gets them away from video games, social media and other things that consume so much of children's time today.

Each year when I pastored a church I preached a series of sermons on family life between Mother's Day and Father's Day. It was a way to emphasize the importance of the family and a way to present biblical teaching on family life. With so many trying to tear apart the traditional family, the church needs to rise up in support of the family. Because children are so vulnerable we need to especially focus on their needs and challenges.

Relationships in the church are critical

One of the serious problems we see in the 21st century church is that we are disconnected from one another. There is little interaction among members of many churches other than for an hour on Sunday morning. We drive into church for the worship service, perhaps attend a Sunday school class, and then return to our homes. For many of us, there is little thought about or contact with the church until the next Sunday.

We've compartmentalized our lives into various cells with little overlap. We have our work cell, our family cell, our hobby cell, and our church cell. In addition, there are numerous other segments of many of these cells such as baseball practice and games for the children or volunteering at a charity event.

There is little wonder that growing as disciples of Jesus Christ is so difficult for many believers. We've isolated our Christian life from every other area of our lives, and that particular cell is given very little time.

For several years I've had youth and children's ministers complain about the declining numbers of young people involved in their ministries. There are several reasons for this.

1. According to Tom Rainer's research only about 15 percent of Millennials are Christians. Since many of the parents are in this generation it stands to reason that if few of them are Christians we will see fewer young people and children involved in our churches.
2. We have a growing number of children and young people growing up in single-parent and blended families. Often, they spend every other weekend with the non-custodial parent so they may only be able to attend their home church half-time at best.
3. Many of the parents, even Christian parents, do not see the need to make youth and children's ministries a priority in their families. Several years ago when I was pastor of a church we had an excellent youth minister who tried everything possible to develop a strong youth ministry in our small church. He and the youth would plan an activity, and on the day of the activity no one would show up. When asked, they would say that their parents decided to do something else that day. They considered their "family time" to be more important than providing their children an opportunity to be with other Christian young people. When this youth minister resigned the question was asked when we would hire another youth minister. I responded we would hire another youth minister when we had different parents who cared about their children's spiritual development. We never hired another youth minister.
4. Although there are no doubt other reasons, the last one we'll mention here is refers back to to the first comment. In many churches we are not socially connected with one another. We do what we need to do to meet our individual spiritual needs and move on to the next thing

Ed Young, in his excellent book, The Creative Leader: Unleashing the Power of Your Creative Potential clearly states the problem. He writes, "Drive-through people fill our churches today. They pull up every weekend and expect an inspiring McMessage, fun-filled McChildcare, heart-warming McMusic, sensational McProgramming, and then they're off."

This was not the experience of the first century church. In Acts 2 we read that the people were together, sharing meals together, sharing their resources with one another, sharing their lives together. The result of those strong relationships with one another was two-fold. They had favor with the people, and the Lord added to their numbers daily.

We need to take a look at the relationships that exist within our churches. Individually, we need to look at the relationships we have with others within our church. Do we see church as something we do together, or do we see church as something that will meet our individual needs? Is our church involvement something we minimally do each week so we can check it off our to-do list for the week, or is this a relationship we make a priority for ourselves and our families?

There is an old Proverb that says it takes a village to raise a child. We could also say it takes a community to raise a disciple of Jesus Christ. Are you part of such a community? If not, what needs to change?

Let's raise children with a backbone

Yesterday I heard a story on the radio that still amazes me. A children's psychiatrist was explaining that he has recently seen several children who are afraid of Donald Trump. He told of one six year old boy who was brought to him because his intense fear of Trump.

I understand Trump makes some people nervous, and some are quite concerned of what might happen if he becomes president, but most of these people are not running to psychiatrists due to a crippling fear of the man. What is going on with today's children?

I read an article this week that urged parents to raise children with a backbone. The article was well written and certainly speaks to the issue of children needing professional help because of their fear of a presidential candidate.

Too many children today are being raised by helicopter parents who constantly hover over them every waking moment. These parents want to make every decision for them, protect them from skinning their knees, and demand that every child receives an award for showing up. When they sneeze they are rushed to the ER, and if they receive a poor grade the parents run to the school to find out what's wrong with the teacher.

My parents had a simple rule: If you get a spanking at school you'll get another one at home. If I got a bad grade I was grounded until the next grading period so I had plenty of time to study and bring that grade up. More times than I wanted to hear it my parents reminded me that society doesn't owe you anything. If you want something you work to earn it. Parents used to teach children responsibility and accountability; now many only teach them that the world revolves around them. Our granny government takes it even further as it assures people that they don't have to work or do anything except receive their government handout. No responsibility, no accountability, and no self-esteem.

Many young people on college campuses demand "safe spaces" where they won't hear anything that upsets them. Invited speakers, usually conservative speakers, are uninvited when students demand these speakers not be allowed to speak on campus. Their poor little ears couldn't take hearing a viewpoint different than one they've already formed which kind of makes attending a university a waste of time and money. We can only wonder what some of today's children will be like when they reach college age.

As parents and grandparents we need to raise children with a spine. They need to be allowed to make mistakes, allowing for age-appropriateness, and learn from those mistakes. They need to be allowed to play in the mud, work to earn money, and disciplined when they make poor choices. They also need to be taught that no means no and that temper tantrums are not allowed. They also need to be taught unconditional love so they know that no matter what, we will always love them.

Churches have a role to play in this as well. We need to teach them biblical truths so they will know how to make better choices. We need to prepare them for the challenges to their faith they will encounter in school and life. We need to teach them how to stand for what is right, and that Jesus is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.

We need to raise our children to be prepared to be the leaders our nation, our communities, and our churches will need. We need to help them develop a strong moral and ethical foundation for their lives, and we need to help them develop a spine.