The pastor's family

When I began my pastoral ministry in 1981 I met with an older pastor in our association. He was telling me about some of his experiences in ministry. One that he struggled with was his relationship with his family. He said his children seldom came to see him because he had ignored them so much while doing ministry. He further admitted that his wife nearly had a nervous breakdown, and he wasn't even aware of it until later. His pastoral work took precedence over his family.

Sometime later I was sitting before an ordination council. This pastor was on that council. A question was asked about my ministry/family priorities, and I explained that my family would come first. He challenged that comment which was confusing to me. He had admitted several months earlier the decisions he had made concerning his family and the negative impact they had on his relationship with his family, and now he is suggesting I should make the same decisions!

Years ago pastors were often told by denominational leaders and others to focus on your ministry, and God would take care of your family. IMHO, that is one of the dumbest things I ever heard. Scripture is clear that if one does not provide for his family he is worse than an infidel. Nothing in that passage says anything about pastors being excluded.

Your church has probably had many pastors before you, and if the Lord tarries, it will likely have many pastors after you. But, you are the only husband or wife your spouse has. You are the only father or mother your children have. You have an obligation before God to meet the needs of your family. One statement I have often made to pastor groups and to churches is that I will not sacrifice my family on the altar of ministerial success.

Part of this is that I have never placed expectations on members of my family because I was a minister. When my kids were growing up I told them that they did not have behave a certain way because I was a pastor; they should do the right thing because it was the right thing. When one church commented that my wife would be the head of the church's mission circle, I told them she would not. My wife prefers to not be in leadership roles, and part of my responsibility is to protect her from the expectations of others. She is free to serve, or not to serve, in any area of church life she wants.

Churches can place unrealistic expectations on the families of their pastors. We cannot allow that to happen. When beginning a new ministry, the minister needs to make it very clear to the church the roles his or her family will play in the church.