Speaking the truth in love

 A number of years ago I attended the annual meeting of our denomination. In one session there was an opportunity for people to address issues that were important to them before a committee of our leadership to consider. Each person was allowed a brief time to state their concern and their suggestions for how it should be addressed. A lengthy line was formed of people who had signed up to speak. I noticed the more conservative speakers were lined up along one wall while the more liberal ones were lined up along another wall. Each line alternated speakers.

Many of the more conservative speakers appeared angry as they spoke. I even wrote in my notes "Why are we conservatives always so angry?" The other side seldom spoke harshly and simply presented their perspective on the issue. Even though I seldom agreed with them, I appreciated their tone.

Today it seems that neither side wants to calmly address our differences whether they be religious, cultural or political. Many appear to believe that the one who shouts the loudest wins the argument. In too many cases a discussion isn't even possible. In our cancel culture of today opposing voices are simply silenced by disinviting those who hold such views from the discussion. It's no wonder our nation, our government and our churches are in the shape they are in.

Colossians 4: 5-6 reminds us to "Walk in wisdom toward those who are outsiders, redeeming the time. Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, and that you may know how you ought to answer each one." Behind every question or statement there is a person. Paul is telling us to know that person so that we might be able to answer his or her question or respond to the statement. We sometimes become so focused on the question or statement that we forget we are dealing with an individual who has a reason for believing what they do.

He further writes that our speech should always be with grace. Sometimes in our desire to win the debate we harm the person. When someone feels attacked or disrespected they will not hear what we are saying. In our minds we may have presented the strongest argument, but that is of no value if we have driven a wedge in our relationship with the other individual. We are cautioned to not place a stumbling block before other people, and this is easily done when we do not respect the dignity of those who hold views different from us.

We are always called upon to stand for truth, especially the truth of God's Word, but we are also called upon to do so with love. Let's speak the truth in love to all people and let the Spirit of God reveal to them its truth. 

Pastor, do you love your people?

 Several years ago I read that one of the primary questions people in smaller churches have of their pastor is "Do you love us?" While this is probably true of people in all churches, it is especially true for those attending smaller churches. These churches are built more upon relationships Those relationships are built upon love and trust. If people do not believe that you care about them they will find it hard to trust you, and if they do not trust you a relationship is impossible.

As a denominational leader I've listened to numerous pastors complain about the people in their churches. It was obvious to me that they cared little for those people. Sitting there I had to wonder why they stayed. Did not they realize that people knew how the pastor felt about them? As much as we might try, we really cannot hide our true feelings about others for very long.

I have been blessed in my ministry. I've only served three churches. One I served as pastor for 20 years. The second church I served two years as their Transitional Pastor, and the third church I'm currently serving in that same capacity. I can honestly say that I have genuinely loved the people in all three churches. When I left the church I pastored for denomination work, it was tough. Those people were my friends, my family. Although I frequently told them how much I loved them, I doubt many truly understood the depth of the love I felt for them. The same was true of the first church I served as the Transitional Pastor. I was happy they found the person God had prepared to lead them into the future, but I knew I would miss serving that congregation...and I have.

Now, I am in my second church as a Transitional Pastor, and, again I am finding a precious group of people I love. Covid has made it difficult to build the relationships with them I would like. Unable to visit people in the hospitals or their homes makes it harder to connect with some in the church. Several in our congregation will not attend services in person due to the pandemic, but they are faithful to watch the services online. I'm looking forward to the time when we can all gather together again, without masks, so I can better connect with everyone in the congregation.

One way to know whether or not you love the people in the church is in the way you refer to the church. I had not been at my present church very long when I noticed that I kept referring to it as "our" church in my sermons. I'm not a member of the church. I'm the Transitional Pastor and will be gone when the church calls a new pastor, but I feel so close to the church and the people in it that I consider it "our" church. When a pastor consistently refers to the church he or she is serving as "this" church or "the" church, that pastor needs to check his or her heart.

Seminary can teach a minister many things, but it cannot teach you to love your people. That has to come from your heart, as an act of your will. There is an old story of a stranger planning to move to a new town. He stops an elderly resident of the community and asks if the people in the town are friendly or not. The man asks in return what the people were like in the community he is leaving. The stranger said they were some of the meanest, most unfriendly people he had ever known. The older man replied that he would find most of the people in this community would be the same way.

Later, a different person stopped the elderly gentleman and asked the same question. Again, he responded by asking what the people were like in the community he was leaving. The individual said that the people in his former town were some of the sweetest, kindest persons he had ever known. The older gentleman said, "You will find most people here to be the same way."

Of course, the moral of the story is that most people are what you expect them to be. If you expect people to be mean and unruly that is what you will find. If you look for the good in most people you'll quickly find it. Pastors, if you're having trouble loving the people you are serving, begin to look for the good in them. You'll probably find it rather easily, and you'll find it much easier to love them. If you can't find the good in them and can't begin to love them, then maybe you need to look into your own heart.

Do you love your church?

When I served as a judicatory minister one of the things that bothered me most was when I would talk to a pastor who had nothing good to say about his or her church. I sometimes felt the pastor literally hated the church he was serving. In some cases the pastor was nearing retirement and staying until retirement came. Other pastors were asking my help in finding them another church to serve.

Certainly, some churches can be difficult, and some of the people in our churches can be hard to love, but I never understood a pastor who seemed to resent or despise the church he or she was serving. If they truly believed God had called them to that place, then there must be a purpose for them being there.

Several years ago H. B. London, Jr. wrote The Heart of a Great Pastor, a book I would recommend to any pastor. In that book he said that if you are serving in a great place it is because someone stayed there to make it a great place. If you are serving in a difficult place, then perhaps God has called you to stay there and make it a great place. In my 35 years of ministry I think those may be some of the most important words a pastor can hear. We need to stop looking for that perfect place and determine to thrive where God has planted us.

In order to do that, we must first love the place we are serving. People can tell how you feel about them. You can smile all through the morning worship service, but you won't fool your congregation. They can tell your true feelings about them.

Someone once wrote that the first question many people, especially in a smaller church, has for their pastor is "Pastor, do you love us?" If they believe the answer is in the affirmative, they will gladly follow you. But, if they feel the pastor is just using them as a stepping stone to the church they really want to serve, or if they feel that the pastor really doesn't care for them, they will resist everything the pastor suggests.

Also in the smaller church, it takes time for them to decide if their pastor loves them or not. Many of these churches have been abandoned by their pastors so often that they are gun shy. Your love for them will have to be demonstrated not just with words but by your actions as well. If the church has been deeply wounded in the past by their pastors it can take years for them to trust another pastor. Here is where London's words take on even more importance.

Pastor, do you love your church? I hope you do. The Son of God loved your church so much He gave His life for it.

Pastor, do you love us?

One of the most important question a small church asks its pastor is, "Pastor, do you love us?" As I've written before, everything in the smaller church revolves around relationships. A small church functions much more like a family than an organization. People do not join a small church; they must be adopted into the family. Within the first few months a new pastor also must be adopted into the family before he or she can offer any significant leadership. That adoption will not occur until the church, and especially the matriarchs and patriarchs, believes that the pastor truly does love them.

Part of what lies behind this question is the rapid turnover many of these smaller churches experience. It's not uncommon for pastors to serve a smaller church for 18-24 months before moving on. Before I arrived the church I served as pastor had an average pastoral tenure of 12 months. Remember, that was the average!

If your church had a family whose husband/father abandoned them every 12 months you would say the family was dysfunctional. The abandoned family would soon decide that there must be something seriously wrong with them if they are abandoned that often. Churches often feel the same way. They wonder what is so wrong with them that no one loves them enough to stay.

Some smaller churches had decided that their role in the Kingdom of God is to be a place where pastors can come to hone their preaching and leadership skills before going off to a "real" church. Personally, I don't find the kind of church described anywhere in the New Testament.

Other churches have a different vision of ministry, but they realize that if they are to live into that vision they will need leadership. Many if these churches do not have concerns about what theological degrees their pastors have or where they earned those degrees. More important to them is how the pastor feels about them because if they can be certain that the pastor loves them they will feel more free to follow his or her leadership.

It's always easy to respond to the question by insisting that we do love this church, but our actions will speak much louder than our words. We show we love them by getting to know them as persons, not just members of the congregation. We demonstrate our love by staying with them and not constantly looking for the next available (larger) church. We spend time with them apart from the church or one of its ministries. We love them by listening to them. One important way we demonstrate our love for the church is by learning the history of the church. A lot of things over the years shaped the church you now serve, and you should want to know as much of that history as possible. There are so many ways to show our love for your church, and you need to know that the people in your church are watching to see.

Once your congregation knows that you truly do love them, they will be much more willing to follow your leadership. It will take months, and maybe years, of consistent behavior before they will believe that you love them. But, once that day arrives your ministry will take on a whole new level of excitement and effectiveness.

Do you love your congregation?

After the resurrection Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Him. Congregations ask the same question of their pastor, and this is especially true in the smaller, family churches. The truth of the matter is that many of these churches have not felt loved by their pastors, in some cases, for many years. They have seen pastors come and go. Many of them feel used as if they were just one rung on the ministerial ladder the minister needed to take before being able to move on to the next size church. If a family in your church was abandoned every year or two by a spouse or parent it is very unlikely they would feel loved by that person. This is how many smaller churches feel. It's one thing to say that you love someone; it's something else entirely to demonstrate that love. Churches, like individuals, want to be shown they are loved. Whether they voice it or not, they are continually asking, "Pastor, do you love us?"

I recently tweeted a link to a quote that said, "You can preach a good sermon without loving your church, but not a great one." When you love your people you are engaged in their lives, and that engagement will lead to sermons that speak to the deepest needs of people's lives. One criticism unchurched people have about the church is that they do not see it as relevant to their lives. They see us answering questions that no one is asking. Their criticism is sometimes justified, and the reason for that may be that we in leadership are not sufficiently engaged in people's lives to know what questions are troubling them. When we love our people we will be sufficiently engaged.

When we love our people we better understand why they do some of the things they do. This helps us be less critical of them when they make decisions that we may wish had been different. There are pastors who are constantly criticizing their congregation, and when I am with those kind of pastors I know he or she really does not love the people enough to try to understand them. If you find that you are always complaining about your church it may be a sign that you need to leave them. A critical attitude seldom leads to effective leadership.

There is another side of this coin. When you love your people, they often love you in return and will be more forgiving of your mistakes. Perhaps the reason your congregation isn't perfect is because they have a pastor who isn't perfect! I know I wasn't. I gave our church many reasons to question my leadership during the twenty years I served there, but they were gracious people who loved me and were willing to overlook my faults.

How long has it been since you've told your congregation publicly that you loved them?  Periodically, I would include that in a morning message. I might say something like this, "Sometimes you all drive me up the wall, but I want you to know that I love you and care very much for each and everyone of you." It would get a chuckle, but it also reminded them that their pastor loved them. We all like to hear that we are loved, and a congregation is no different.

It's equally important that we demonstrate our love. That means being with them in the good times and the hard times in their lives. It means bragging on them when they have an accomplishment in their lives. It means that we are willing to sit all night in a hospital room with a grieving family. It means forgiving them when they demonstrate a critical spirit and working with them during times of disagreement.

"Pastor, do you love us?" It's the most important question you can answer for your congregation.

Do you really love your church?

One of the first things a smaller church wants to know about their pastor is "Do you really love us?"  This question comes out of the importance of relationships in the smaller church, and it comes because of the way many pastors are unwilling to invest more than two or three years in a smaller church before moving on to a larger one. 

When I went to Hebron Baptist Church in 1981 their average pastoral tenure was about 12 months, and it had been that way for many years.  After I had only been there about six months I learned that some of the leadership assumed I would soon be leaving them for a better church which was the term they were using.  No one could have guessed I would stay there twenty years.

A challenge I had was to convince the church how deeply I cared about them.  After all, if your family was abandoned every 2-3 years by someone it would be very difficult for you to believe them when they said they loved you.  And, in the smaller church, it is very difficult to accomplish very much until the pastor has built relationships with people, and the basis for such relationships is trust and a belief that this person truly does care about us.  It took me about seven years to build such trust because of the self-esteem the church had over having been abandoned by so many pastors over the years.

There are legitimate reasons to leave a church to accept a call to another one.  There are also many illegitimate reasons.  I cover both in my book The Bivocational Pastor: Two Jobs, One Ministry, and I also discuss the benefits of remaining in your church for an extended period of time.  The benefits for the pastor, the pastor's family, and the church are many and should be carefully considered before making a hasty decision to seek a new place to serve.

I once read that many years ago a pastor wrote in his diary, "This morning I prayed hard for my parish, my poor parish, my first and perhaps my last, since I could ask no better than to die here.  My parish!  The words can't even be spoken without a kind of soaring love...I know that my parish is a reality; it is not a mere administrative segment, but a living cell of the everlasting Church."

What a beautiful expression of love by a pastor for the church he was serving!  This is the kind of love each of us should have for the place where God has called us.  This is also the kind of love the smaller church desires from its pastor.  Does this describe the love you have for your church?  If so, have you told this to your congregation?  They would love to hear it.

Pastor, do you love your people?

Read slowly the words from a retired Marine Corps major:

Perhaps the most obvious thing that leadership and love have in common is the act of caring about the welfare of others - an act that is central to both...A person who would call himself (or herself) a leader of Marines must be capable of love, of allowing themselves to be loved, and of understanding the awesome responsibilities incurred when one seeks and accepts the love of others.  The technical knowledge, the courage, the personal integrity so often discussed are definitely necessary.  Love though is what makes it work; it is what makes the followers willingly accept the technical knowledge and treat the courage and personal integrity as something to emulate rather than just applaud.

Love is not something I've often associated with military leadership, and especially not that of Marines, but I can appreciate what he is saying, and his comments have immense relevance to those of us in church leadership.  I once read that one of the primary questions smaller churches often have of their pastor is, "Pastor, do you love us?"  I don't think that is a question that should be taken lightly nor answered quickly.

Leadership is based on trust, and in a smaller church much of that trust is connected to relationships.  A pastor can go into a church with the proper educational degrees, a sound theology, and solid ministerial experience, but those attributes alone will not earn him or her the trust of the congregation.  "Pastor, do you love us?"  They want to know if you can see beyond their warts and issues and love them.  Words alone will not satisfy.  Such love must be demonstrated in the daily activities that go on in the life of the congregation.

After observing pastors for the past 30+ years I have to say that many of them did not love their churches.  They liked most of the people in their congregations and may have even developed a relationship with a few of them.  But, for the most part they viewed the churches they served as projects.  There were things there that needed fixed.  They hoped to be able to try out some of the new techniques of pastoral ministry they had read about or learned while attending a conference. Some pastors almost saw their churches as experiments, test-tube projects, and they wondered why they encountered so much opposition.  Perhaps they forgot that even lab rats don't like be experimented on.  This question about love is not one to take lightly.

Nor should you try to answer that question quickly.  Words are pretty cheap, and most smaller churches have heard the right words before.  After a few years they wonder how so many pastors who have expressed their love for this church could leave after only 2-3 years.  Put this in another context.  How would you feel if your new spouse was enticed to leave you for another person every 2-3 years?  While expressing his or her love for you that person always had the eye out for something that looked a little better.  Would you grow cynical after awhile?  That is exactly what has happened to many of our smaller churches, so don't be too surprised if they don't show too much excitement when you tell them you love them.  They want you to show them, consistently, day-by-day, over a long period of time, and then they will believe you...and then they will follow your leadership.

Pastor, do you love your people?  Give this question some serious thought in the days to come.