When a pastor leaves a church

Several years ago a pastor search team called asking if I would be interested in talking with them about their open position. I said I would, and a couple of weeks later they showed up, uninvited, for the worship service in the church I was serving at the time. That was a little awkward! After the service they took my wife and me to a local restaurant where they talked to us over lunch.

Prior to that I drove the two hours to the church building to see what it looked like. I noticed a sign attached to the building that indicated that parking space was reserved for Dr. ___________. In the conversation we had over lunch I learned that was the name of their former pastor who had led that church to split from another church a few decades earlier. He was retiring but would continue to attend the church. I immediately knew I had no interest in accepting the pastorate of that church. They already had a pastor. No matter who might hold the title, their pastor would continue to be Dr. ___________.

In our denomination each pastor is asked to sign a Code of Ethics. One of the items in that code states that when a pastor leaves the church, he or she leaves the church. They don't continue to attend there, they don't return to do funerals, weddings or any other event unless invited to do so by the pastor. I will admit that this is often violated by former pastors. I wish that was not the case.

When a church calls someone to serve as their pastor, he or she is not really their pastor. That person preaches and serves a role in the church, but he or she becomes the pastor when they become involved in the people's lives they serve. It is in doing the weddings, the funerals, the baptisms and being a part of the people's lives that one becomes their pastor. For a former pastor to return and do those things is very unfair to the new pastor and may make it very difficult for that person to ever really become the pastor.

I know first-hand how difficult it is to not return for special events in the lives of the congregation. I served our church for 20 years and became extremely close to the people. It was hard to not do weddings and funerals for people I had known and loved for two decades. I'm certain some did not understand why I wouldn't. But, it would have been unfair to their new pastor if I had.

In my last sermon to that wonderful congregation I closed by telling them that in a few moments I would walk out the door, and I would never again be their pastor, but I would always be their friend. I think ethically it has to be that way in order to be fair to the church and to the pastors who would follow. I would certainly be glad to hear your thoughts on this.

The ethics of leaving

One of the challenges for ministers when we leave a church is to actually leave. Too many of us want to return to conduct weddings and funerals. It's even more difficult when the minister resides in the same community as the church he or she is located. I've known church members go to the former pastor in such situations to discuss things with which they disagree in the church. Unfortunately, I've also known pastors who would then interfere in the affairs of their former church. Of course, they did so with only the most noble of reasons!

The denomination in which I serve asks our ministers to sign an Ethics Statement. No minister is required to sign this statement, but many of us do. One of the items on the statement addresses the issue of how a pastor should relate to a church he or she has left. Unless the new pastor requests that we participate in an event we should stay away. I realize it's not easy, especially when it involves people with whom we had a strong relationship, but it's the only way the new pastor actually will be able to become the pastor.

I was thinking about this recently when our current president stated that he would actively work to protect his legacy. The vast majority of former presidents have stepped out of the picture when the president-elect was sworn in to give him space to form his presidency. 43 remained virtually invisible after leaving office even when his legacy was under constant attack by President Obama and his advisers. He was merely following the example of those who had preceded him.

Some pastors give the same reason for remaining involved in the church they've left. They feel that their legacy is so impressive or so important that they have to protect it even if it means interfering with their successor. Frankly, in my opinion, a true legacy should not need protecting. It should be so important to the organization that it will stand on its own until it is no longer relevant.

I agree that it can be hard to watch things we've built begin to fall apart when we leave. I had to watch that happen in a church in which I served for 20 years, and it's not easy to not step in and try to protect the work you've done for all those years. However, this is the ethical thing to do regardless of whether the person is a pastor or the president.

To be called to another church and try to interfere with the previous church is a sign of either arrogance, immaturity, or both. It's also a sign that we can not trust God to do what is best and therefore we have to help Him out.

When you leave a church, leave. It's OK to remain friends with people in your former church as long as you set strict boundaries that ensures you will not interfere in the life of that church. It's OK to return to help in a wedding or a funeral IF the new pastor personally calls and asks you to participate. It's certainly fine to keep your former churches in your prayers, and it's very important to praise your successor whenever you have the opportunity.

When you leave your church, leave

Although it was 15 years ago I resigned from the church I was serving to accept the call to a new ministry, I still remember that last Sunday well. For twenty years I had served as the bivocational pastor of that small, rural church. Those people had become my friends and family. I knew beyond a doubt that God was calling me to leave for a new opportunity, but it wasn't going to be easy.

When I announced I was leaving I asked for six weeks in order to share some messages I hoped would make the transition easier. The church constitution called for four weeks, but the church readily agreed to give me the other two weeks. I talked to them about the changes they should expect and the importance of taking their time to search for a new pastor.

The messages went well, but that last Sunday was rough. As I shared my love for them and my appreciation for all we had been through I included these words. "In a few minutes I will walk out that door. I will always be your friend, but I can never be your pastor again. I will not come back to do your weddings or your funerals. That is how your next pastor will become your pastor and not just someone preaching each week. The only way I will even consider being part of a wedding or funeral is if your pastor asks me to, and then it will just be a supportive role."

On the way home my wife said she wished I had not said those words. She could see the pain they caused on people's faces when they heard them. I reminded her that pastoral ethics requires that a pastor not interfere in the life of a church he or she has left. Since we were still living in the same community it would be hard enough, but I had to tell the people clearly that I was no longer their pastor.

Within a year there was both a wedding and a funeral for people who were very close to me. Their families honored my request and had their new pastor perform those ceremonies. I did attend the funeral viewing the evening before, but I did not attend either the wedding or the funeral.

Every year I receive at least one call from a pastor saying that a former pastor is returning to do funerals or weddings or interfering in some other way in the life of the church. This is not only unethical, it is very disruptive to the church. A pastor only becomes the pastor when he or she is involved in the lives of the congregation. When a former pastor returns to do weddings and funerals or otherwise interferes in church business it makes it very difficult for the new pastor to ever be recognized as the pastor.

If God has called you to leave a church, then leave. If He wanted you to continue to minister to that congregation He would never have called you away. Respect your former congregation and their new pastor by refusing to accept invitations to return. There will be enough homecomings or other special events that will give you an opportunity to renew old acquaintances, but even then remember you are a guest there and not the pastor. When you leave a church be ethical enough to leave.