The loneliness of ministry

Much of a minister's time is spent alone.  There are messages to prepare that require a number of hours alone in the study.  Providing pastoral care to others often results in people confiding details of their lives to the minister that cannot be shared with anyone else.  One minister heard others in the congregation question the actions of a family within the church.  He personally knew of the personal pain that led the family to make the decisions they did but could not share that information with others.  He felt very alone and powerless to stand up for the family in question.

Ministers must sometimes make decisions that are misunderstood by others.  Because others do not always have the information the pastor has they may not only question his decisions but even question his or her integrity.  This is often the case when unpopular staffing decisions have to be made and the pastor cannot reveal the reasons behind those decisions.

This sense of loneliness can have serious ramifications for the minister, his or her family, and the church.  Endogenous depression can occur when a person feels cut off from other people.  Such depression can be very difficult to understand and treat.  Loneliness was found in one study to be one of the top four causes of clergy leaving the ministry.  It can also lead to sexual addictions and misconduct.  One study found that 75 percent of the people who left the ministry due to sexual misconduct reported they were lonely and felt isolated from others.

Obviously, ministers need to take steps to avoid this sense of isolation.  Here are a few suggestions.

Regardless of the size of church, ministers need to gather a team of people to help with ministry responsibilities.  In larger churches this will often include the staff.  In smaller churches these teams will consist of mature Christians who share the same vision for ministry as the pastor.  These will be persons with leadership gifts who will help the pastor with the decisions he or she needs to make.

One of the best teams I had as a pastor was a prayer team.  Three of my leaders came to me one morning to ask if I would mind to meet with them on Sunday evenings prior to our worship service for a time of prayer for my wife and me.  Others soon joined us until we normally had 6-8 persons praying for me and my wife every Sunday evening.  I cannot tell you how much that meant to us and the impact it had on the church.

Pastors need trusted colleagues they can confide in.  These may be ministers in another community, a judicatory or denominational leader, a coach, or a trained counselor.  The key when meeting with these individuals is to not violate confidentiality but to focus on the issues that you need to address.  This can be especially helpful when you are trying to help someone with a difficult issue in his or her life and you are not sure of the advice you should give.

Pastors need spiritual directors in their lives as well.  Few of us do.  Spiritual directors can help hold us accountable for our own spiritual development, and pastors need such accountability as much as anyone else.

Of course, we are never alone if we remember that Jesus promised to never forsake us nor leave us.  God is with us, and those times when we feel most alone are the times we need to draw closer to him.

Ministry is always challenging, but when we feel alone it can be even more difficult.  We need to be very intentional to make sure that we are not alone.  Spend time developing relationships with people who can support you and the work you do.  Make sure you spend time with God every day for your own spiritual development and to deepen your relationship with him.  Doing these things will help you not feel so alone and will help spare you the problems that being alone in ministry can create.

This post comes out of a chapter of my book The Healthy Pastor: Easing the Pressures of Ministry.  The book addresses many of the challenges that ministers face and provides solutions to help address those challenges.