When churches hurt rather than heal

My doctoral project was to determine if coaching would benefit bivocational pastors. I coached six pastors across the US and Canada for three months. My dissertation was a record of the coaching calls and the changes that took place in the lives of those I coached. In addition, each person had to write a two page report on how the coaching impacted his or her life, and that report was included in the dissertation. The dissertation later became The Art and Practice of Bivocational Ministry: A Pastor's Guide published in 2013.

One of my favorite pastors I coached during that project was a woman who pastored a small church in a small community out west. During one of our sessions I asked her what she would most like to do as a pastor. She hesitated to answer at first because she said no one had ever asked her that question. Finally, she said she would like to be able to minister to persons who had been hurt by the church in the past. I laughed and told her if she found a way to successfully do that her little church wouldn't be small for very long because she would find a lot of people who have been hurt by the church. The remainder of that coaching call was spent discussing how she might begin such a ministry.

Unfortunately, it's not difficult to find people who have been hurt by the church. We have a well-earned reputation of shooting our wounded. Too often, the church hurts others rather than offer them healing. In heated meetings we speak hurtful words to one another. We ridicule the ideas or suggestions of others. We let people fall through the cracks to the point that they believe the church doesn't care about them. We try to tell people how to live their lives when we have no idea of the things they are dealing with. In one church a single mother of four young children began attending services. After being there about six months a couple approached her one Sunday after the service and began telling her all the things they thought she was doing wrong in raising her children. She never went back. When someone from the church finally asked why she stopped coming she explained she had enough going on in her life without people telling her she was a bad mother. Sadly, these kind of experiences are not uncommon, and many people have left the church due to the pain the church caused them. I once met a woman who showed me a letter she had received from a member of the church she had attended also complaining about the way she was raising her children. She had received that letter twenty years before and still had it, and as she showed it to me and told me the story I could hear the anger that was still in her voice. Some of the wounds the church causes runs deep.

The church is not made up of perfect people. None of us has it all together. We need to learn to be patient with one another and respect the feelings of others. When I think of the patience God has with me I have no choice but to be patient with others. As I've said in sermons, church is not a hotel for saints but a hospital for sinners. It needs to be place where we all can find healing and instruction for our lives.

None of this is to suggest that we ignore sin in people's lives or that we become door mats that others are allowed to walk over. Certainly, we must stand for what is right, but we don't have to be mean or ugly about it. We don't have to trample over people's feelings.

Life is tough with lots of challenges. The church should be the one place where we can work together to help one another get through those tough times. We should look to heal and not add to the pain and difficulties in the lives of others.

If you are reading this and is someone who has left the church because of the pain it caused you, consider coming back. As I wrote above, the church is not a perfect place. Most of the time when we've hurt someone it wasn't done intentionally. A family left the church I pastored over a hurt caused by a group in the church. I went to visit the family and encouraged them to not let that hurt keep them from church. I suggested if they couldn't return to our church to find another one to attend because we all need a church. They did find another church and attended there for years. I then explained to the group that caused the pain what they had done. They didn't realize the damage their actions would cause, and it never happened again while I was pastor there.

Find you a good church and allow God to bring healing to your hurts. Life is too tough to try to get through it without the support of a church who loves God and will love you.

Divided nation, divided church

In my 68 years I have never seen the United States as divided as it is today. In the 1960s we had major issues over the Vietnam War and civil rights, but even those issues didn't have the divisive impact on this nation that we see today.

I did not watch the State of the Union speech last night because I knew what would happen. The Republicans would applaud after every paragraph, and the Democrats would sit on their hands. It's the same reason I haven't watched any of the recent awards shows. I have no interest in hearing a bunch of multi-millionaire performers whine about how bad things are. How they think they know how to run a country when they can't even read their cards properly is beyond me.

As I've said before, Trump was not my first choice in the election, but he won. It's time the nation accepted that and looked for ways to work with him. This nation has serious issues that need to be addressed, and if elected officials are not able to work together to address them they need to be removed from office. I've heard some say that Republicans didn't work with Obama when he was President so the Democrats shouldn't work with Trump now. Well...isn't that an adult way to govern a nation?

That argument is so weak on many fronts, but those who say that forget that the Republicans did work with Obama on many issues. President Obama was able to get a lot of his agenda passed with bi-partisan support. No President should expect the opposition party to agree with everything he or she wants. Sometimes compromise gets you part of what you want; sometimes you simply don't get your way.

Today, there seems to be little interest in discussing issues and seeking common ground. Already some in the Democratic party are looking for ways to impeach President Trump. They detest him so much they want to drive him out of Washington almost before he finishes packing. One of the problems with that is that they don't control the House so that isn't happening. What is happening is that a lot of time is wasted wanting to do something that won't happen, time better spent on addressing the real issues facing Americans.

Unfortunately, everything I've said about the political divisions in the nation could be said about much of the church. While serving as an judicatory leader I had a call from one church moderator who said their church was so divided she could not even get a second on a motion to adjourn their business meeting. She finally asked her son to second the motion.

Many of our divisions are over some of the social issues that have also divided our nation. Some of the divisions are generational. In recent weeks I've had discussions with various church leaders telling me that they were having problems between their existing youth groups and young people from the community. Just today a pastor told me several of the young people in her church have said they won't come back if kids from the community are going to attend their youth functions. Of course, many of the divisions come when controllers do not get their way, and they begin to resort to childish behavior to try to force their will upon the people.

Jesus was very clear when He said, "A house divided against itself falls." It's true of a nation, and it's true of a church. I'm not sure this nation will ever recover from its divisions. I have very little faith in the political process to effect change and even less faith in the electorate to select men and women of integrity to represent them. However, the church must do better.

We have a Great Commission to fulfill, and that is not going to happen if we allow divisions to impact our ministries. We do not all have to think exactly alike on every issue, but as mature Christians we should be able to set aside our differences to work towards common purposes. That is...we should be able to do that if we are indeed mature Christians.

Talking about differences

I was saddened today by the news that Alan Colmes has passed away. Colmes was the liberal half of Hannity and Colmes on Fox for a number of years before the channel gave Hannity the program by himself. Colmes remained a political commentator on Fox providing liberal insights on the news of the day.

Although I seldom agreed with most of Colmes' views, I deeply appreciated the way he conducted himself as he debated with the more conservative commentators at Fox. I seldom heard Colmes interrupt a speaker or try to shout over those with whom he disagreed. Frankly, I've stopped watching most of those who debate political and social issues on television because of the way they approach their debates. Most seem to think if they interrupt and talk louder it makes their points stronger. Colmes did not approach his discussions like that. He spoke in even tones, presented his views, explained why he believed as he did, and listened to opposing views. I admired him very much, and from the comments that have appeared today, so did many others.

Colmes provided the type of civil discussion that is often missing today. Many in our culture no longer know how to carry on civilized discussion. Rather than trying to explain their views many begin to personally attack those who disagree with them. We talk at one another rather than talking to one another. We gather in mobs and riot to get what we want instead of engaging in civilized discussion.

Unfortunately, the church is not immune to such activity. Church business meetings can become intense when opposing sides begin to engage in personal attacks rather than discussing the actual issues that have caused the division. Church members begin to form alliances in order to do battle with those with whom they disagree. Parking lot meetings become the order of the day, and gossip and dissension creates division within the body.

As the body of Christ, the church must set the example for civil discussion. Even when protests and civil disobedience is called for they should be done in a way that honors God. As I stated in a recent post, Rosa Parks protested by refusing to give up her seat on a bus; she did not set fire to the bus. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. led numerous protests in an effort to get civil rights laws passed, but he insisted on peaceful protests. The ones he led only became violent when officials made them violent.

I did not know Alan Colmes personally, and any opinion I have of him comes only from watching him on TV, but I found him to be a gentleman who held to strong beliefs about politics and social issues. He defended his positions well and in a way that was decent and honorable. Even his critics have said today that he was a kind and caring man, a decent human being, who will be missed. May that be said of each of us when we pass.