Dealing with differences

I was hoping that after a decision about Judge Kavanaugh was finalized that people would begin to tone down the rhetoric and decide to pursue different ways of discussing our differences. Silly me! I should have known after the events of the past 2-3 years that is not going to happen. We have become a nation that no longer knows how to discuss differences without making personal attacks on people's character, their intelligence, and anything else we can use to degrade one another.

Unfortunately, our President is not exactly leading the way in promoting civil discussion. His tweets often include name calling and sarcastic comments towards those who disagree with him. Some of our elected officials have taken it even further with some having actually encouraged their supporters to attack Republicans and their families in restaurants and other public places, and their supporters have been eager to do so. The fact is, we have precious little leadership today; we only have elected officials who often act more like children than national leaders.

I wish I could say the church has stayed above the fray, but that would not be true. I've seen many comments on social media from Christian leaders and lay persons that were just as hateful and mean-spirited as those coming from non-Christians. In a few cases, I became so weary reading their negative attacks I just unfriended them. I didn't want to drink their poison any more.

A friend of mine recently wrote that she was tired of being called stupid, and I'm sure worse, because she expressed her opinions on various matters. As a church leader I'm sure she did not expect that, especially from other Christians, but that has been her experience. I'm sure she and I would differ on many things politically, but she is certainly not stupid nor does she deserve to be attacked personally for stating her beliefs.

Screaming at one another on social media isn't going to change anyone's mind. Neither is blocking interstates, screaming at elected officials in elevators or running families out of restaurants. If you want to change people's minds engage them in actual discussions. Use real facts. Present actual evidence supporting your arguments. And if you still disagree, then do so civilly, and when election time rolls around vote for those people who best support your values.

Should the church be involved in political questions? Absolutely! Political issues often have moral values attached to them, and the church should be taking the lead when it comes to speaking on moral values. But, let's not resort to the kind of childish attacks we've seen in recent months. If we do, we have nothing better to offer the world than what is currently coming out of Washington, DC.

What do people really want?

Jay Leno used to do a regular skit in which he would go into the community and ask people questions about political leaders, how the government works, and general questions about hot topics of the time. Many of the people he interviewed had no idea what he was talking about. Many of the questions could have been answered by many elementary school age children who had been exposed to American history or civics. I would keep thinking to myself, "And these people vote???"

Since the election there have been numerous protests such as we are seeing now that a new Supreme Court justice has been selected by the President. Various people have done on-the-field interviews with some of the protesters. Many of them had no idea why they were there or what they were upset about. In a pre-election clip on the Jimmy Kimmel Show Clinton supporters were given quotes made by Trump during the campaign and told Clinton had made those comments. Virtually every person interviewed said they agreed with the statement when told Clinton had made it.

The sad fact is that many of the most vocal protesters are clueless about why they are protesting or what differences they might actually have with the President and his policies. Usually, the louder someone screams the less they actually have to say. They substitute volume for substance. If someone does legitimately disagree they are able to discuss and debate their differences calmly and rationally by making clear points as to their disagreement. They are not reduced to character assignation and cruel, baseless remarks as we are currently seeing played out in the media.

What's even sadder is that the same thing happens in churches. People who do not regularly read their Bibles, are spiritually immature, and unaware of what is being done in the church are often the most opposed to change. Because they have no real reason for their opposition other than it isn't what they want, they get loud. They attempt to intimidate. They threaten to leave if they do not get their way. They pout and sulk. They stay away from the church for a period of time to get even with those who did not cave in to their demands.

At times you have to wonder what it is they really want. For some, they want to feel they are in control. Others want to keep things the way they are because that's what makes them comfortable. Because they are biblically ignorant, they do not know what the church is to be about or even how they are to live as mature Christian individuals.

As we watch the protesters rant and rave we have to wonder what they really want. If the interviews I mentioned are reliable, I'm not sure they know what they want. They know they are against something, but they're not sure what. They want things to be different, but many of them cannot articulate what that is either.

A friend of mine posted on Facebook the other day "I want the America I grew up in back." I responded "I want the same thing." I'm not sure that will happen.

The person across the table is not your enemy

I recently finished reading Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It by Chris Voss. The author is a former FBI hostage negotiator and now owns a consulting business that trains Fortune 500 companies through complex negotiations and has taught negotiation at several leading business schools and universities. There is much in this book that church leaders can learn that will benefit them the next time conflict occurs in their church.

One of the lessons I found very helpful is that the person across the table is never the problem. The issue is the problem. The person across the table is actually your partner in trying to resolve the issue.

If we could learn this we could avoid much of the anger and the other negative emotions that too often occur in church conflicts. Too many church conflicts force people to choose sides and to look at the other side as the enemy. When this happens the church loses. No matter how the issue is resolved, the church loses when its members begin to see one another as the enemy.

Another valuable lesson I learned is that it's OK to say no. Too often we avoid saying no to something that we are certain will damage what we're trying to do to avoid conflict. We've also been taught that in negotiations we want to try to get the other person to say yes to everything we ask. If you doubt that, listen to the questions you're asked the next time a telemarketer calls. Every question is designed to get a positive response from you. They do this in order to get you to give them the big yes when they try to sell you their product or service.

Voss insists that saying no actually starts the negotiation rather than ending it. In fact, he even recommends helping the other side feel comfortable saying no to reduce barriers and allow more effective negotiation.

A word of warning...this book does contain some language. There's not much, but if you find that offensive you may as well not read the book. But, I do believe there are some real helps in this book for the Christian leader who will face conflict at some time in his or her ministry (and that's all of us!). You'll also find some advice you can use the next time you buy a car or make any other large purchase!

Do we really know what others feel?

Much has been said in recent days regarding all the shooting incidents. Unfortunately, much of it has generated more heat than light. The one thing nearly everyone agrees on is that each shooting is a tragedy that should not have happened. The disagreements come from how to prevent such incidents from happening again.

Politicians on one spectrum insist that banning guns or at least making them more difficult to obtain is the answer. While exact numbers are impossible to know, it is estimated there are between 270-300 million guns in the possession of American citizens. Approximately, 41 percent of Americans households own at least one gun. The vast, vast majority of those who own guns are responsible individuals who own guns for hunting, for personal protection, or for collecting purposes. We are consistently told that all Muslims should not be judged based on the actions of a few radicals. The same principle should be applied to those who own guns.

The real solution is two-fold. The first is dealing with sin. That may sound off-putting to this postmodern generation, but sin is at the heart of all hatred, racism, and acts of violence. The answer to sin is to commit one's life to Jesus Christ and allow Him to change our hearts. More than one person filled with rage and hatred has seen his or her heart changed through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. As society has become more and more secular we have seen a steady increase in evil and a general devaluing of life. America desperately needs a spiritual revival, and such a revival must begin in the church.

The second solution is that we need to know one another, and that begins by talking to one another.

I was raised in a small, rural community. I attended rural grade schools and was never in a school with an African-American until I started high school. Even there, we had few black students. I never knew any of the problems they faced in our community until years later I read a book written by a number of African-Americans from our town. It wasn't until then that I learned that my black classmates had not been allowed to try on their clothes in many of the stores in our community, and if they didn't fit after they got home, they were not allowed to return them. I didn't know that for many years blacks in our community were required to sit in the balcony in our movie theater nor did I know that they were required to enter a local drug store through the side door. They could order lunch there, but they were not allowed to remain to eat it. They had to take their meals outside to eat them. Needless to say, the book was an eye-opener and showed me a side of the community I never knew existed.

About the same time I was reading this book I was working one Saturday by myself in a family-owned business when an older African-American gentleman came in. We had never met, but we were soon engaged in a conversation that showed me there was still much about my community I had never considered. He asked why there were no black doctors or dentists in our area. He wondered why our school system had no African-American teacher working in our schools. Many years previously a black school had closed and, to my knowledge, only one teacher was retained. I had her for one class in high school, and she was a great teacher. But, I had never realized that there were no other African-American teachers in any of our schools. We had a very good, long discussion,and when he left I realized that his experience in our community had been much different than mine.

These are the kinds of discussions we need to have with one another. Until we understand the experiences of others we need to be very careful about offering advice.

The church should be a place where such discussions should take place, but this will require some intentionality to make it happen. We should also be aware that such discussions will likely make some people very uncomfortable. But, how do we get to know one another unless we can talk with one another? If we cannot talk about our differences and how we view our world, we will never understand one another, and we will never come together.

It is also time the church becomes more intentional about pursuing diversity. A pastor friend of mine was confronted a few years ago by an African-American pastor who told my friend, "You're always inviting us to be a part of what you are doing. When are you going to become a part of what we are doing?" Soon after, my pastor friend's church became a part of this black Baptist association, and they have became very involved in the work of this association. Both the church and the association have benefited from the relationship.

The racial problems in America are not going to go away in the near future, but until the church and individuals begin to intentionally work towards understanding one another and developing relationships with one another, these problems will only grow worse. Simplistic answers won't solve our problems, but prayer and building relationships with one another will go a long way to resolving them.

Always take the high road

Just when you may have thought this presidential race could not get much uglier, the wives of the Republican front-runners are now being attacked. It started when a nude picture of Trump's current wife was posted by a Cruz supporter. This picture was from a 2000 photo shoot for a British tabloid. Trump fired back threatening to "spill the beans" on Cruz' wife and posted an unflattering picture of her next to a picture of his wife (dressed).

Cruz denied knowing about the first picture stating his campaign had nothing to do with it. That could be true. Personally, I believe that campaign ads, regardless of who pays for it, should not be legal unless the candidate states that he or she supports the ad. This is a loophole that needs to be closed to prevent this kind of nastiness from occurring again.

However, while Trump was understandably angry about the nude picture of his wife being used in a campaign ad, his response does not reflect the kind of maturity and demeanor we should expect from our nation's leaders. This whole campaign so far has looked more like something one would see on a grade school playground than in a campaign for the highest office in our nation.

Trump should have taken the high road. Certainly, he could have expressed his anger at this campaign tactic taken by someone supporting Cruz. Anyone whose spouse is attacked in this manner should be outraged. Whether Cruz knew about the ad in advance or not, he did not look good when it was released. Most people thought it crossed the line. However, when Trump responded with a similar ad he lost whatever advantage he might have had in this issue. Maybe Cruz didn't know about the ad, but no one would doubt that Trump ordered his ad in retaliation. He came across as childish, vindictive, and hardly presidential material.

Unfortunately, I have seen the same type of scenario played out in churches. I knew a pastor who was frustrated by a family in his church who seemed to undermine everything he attempted. Finally, he responded by sending an e-mail to the wife and said some very unkind things about her and her family. That e-mail was soon circulated throughout the church, and the pastor was in trouble. I saw the e-mail and could not believe that a pastor would write such things to a parishioner. Even more, it amazed me that he would not know that such a letter would be circulated to other members of the church. Although he remained at the church for a little while after this event, it was not a positive thing for him and his family.

Ministry is tough. Regardless of what type of leadership position you are in, you will come under attack by someone. People will not like you personally, they will not like what you are trying to do, they will be jealous or envious, and they will find ways to attack you. Any time a leader responds in kind, it just pulls them down to the level of the attacker. By taking the high road you put yourself in a superior position. Those who know the circumstances will be impressed by you taking the high road. Those who do not know the circumstances will wonder why you became negative towards some people.

Never be the one who has to say you're sorry when a negative event runs its course. Yes, you can defend yourself. You can explain your position. You can even admit that the attacks make you angry, but you can do all these things from a positive perspective without responding in kind. Always take the high road. You'll find it's the best road to travel.

Leaders and forgiveness

No one serves in church leadership for very long before being hurt by something someone does or says.  We work hard with the best of intentions, and someone misunderstands what we are trying to do or the motives behind our actions.  We say something that is misunderstood, and rather than coming to the leader to clarify what was said people tell everyone how wounded they were by our comments.  Things are going well in the church until suddenly we learn that a group of people are committed to getting us out of the church.  A leader's pain is made even worse when it is our spouses or children who are under attack by people within the church we are serving.

Leaders have a number of options available to them, but one option that is not available is to refuse to forgive those who bring us harm.  Such forgiveness does not come easy, but it is vital to our well-being and our ministry that we are able to forgive those who hurt us.

I remember an incident that happened when I was the pastor of our church that upset me far more than it should have.  The actions I took were private and no one except my wife knew how upset I was or the problem may have become much worse. For several weeks I remained upset at the few people who had upset me until I finally realized that I had to forgive them if I wanted to move forward with my life and ministry.  I chose to forgive the ones who had wounded me, and we will choose whether we will forgive or not.

In some recent posts I've quoted from Reggie McNeal's book A Work of Heart: Understanding How God Shapes Spiritual Leaders.  One chapter of the book discusses conflict, and McNeal writes, "Those who withhold forgiveness do so in the belief that in some way they are inflicting damage or hurt on the object of their unforgivingness.  The trouble is, while the unforgiving deals with excess stomach acid and sleepless nights, the unforgiven sleeps like a baby.  An unforgiving spirit is a cancer of the soul...

"The leaders who do not forgive wind up with bitter spirits, persons of negative energy.  They wonder where their spiritual energy and power went.  Their negative spirit pushes people away from them.  They live in the past, their conflict scar tissues making it difficult for them to move forward.  They see the world and life experiences through victim eyes."

He nails it doesn't he?  Unforgiveness eats us up and robs us of the spiritual power we need to enjoy victory in our lives and ministries.  Quite often, the people who hurt us could care less how we feel about what they did or they may not even be aware of the pain they caused.  We are the only ones damaged by our refusal to forgive.

Of course, that's not entirely right either.  When we choose to practice unforgiveness our families pay a price.  So do people in our churches and our work.  These are innocent people who had nothing to do with the pain we feel, but they are the ones who pay the price.

When I find it hard to forgive others I begin to remember how much God has forgiven me.  How can I refuse to forgive others when I have been the recipient of so much grace in my own life?

Leaders are going to be wounded.  It goes with the territory.  There's not much we can do about that, but we can choose how we will deal with the wounds inflicted upon us by others.  Refusing to forgive can only lead to problems that none of us wants.  Choosing to forgive releases us to move forward in life and ministry.  Once again I hear God saying, "I have set before you life and death...therefore choose life."  Choosing to forgive is choosing life.

What makes you angry?

I began my devotional reading this year by re-reading The Cross of Christ by John R. W. Stott.  I'm about half-way through the book and finding so much that I've missed in previous readings.  In my reading today I came across his thoughts on the doctrine of propitiation.  I marked these words.

First, the reason why a propitiation is necessary is that sin arouses the wrath of God.  This does not mean (as animists fear) that he is likely to fly off the handle at the most trivial provocation, still less that he loses his temper for no apparent reason at all.  For there is nothing capricious or arbitrary about the holy God.  Nor is he ever irascible, malicious, spiteful or vindictive.  His anger is neither mysterious nor irrational.  It is never unpredictable, but always predictable, because it is provoked by evil and by evil alone...What provokes our anger (injured vanity) never provokes his; what provokes his anger (evil) seldom provokes ours (173).

As a younger man my anger got the best of me more than once.  I would like to say I've slain that beast, but it would not be true.  I've tamed it quite a bit, but it's still not dead.  I would also like to say that I now have only righteous indignation, but that also would not be true.  Most of the time when I get angry it is because of injured vanity.  When I was saved many of the things that were temptations for me were removed, but God has left this challenge to remind me that I will always be dependent upon him, and I'm thankful that he has done a great work in this area of my life and continues that work today.

Unfortunately, I meet a lot of pastors who also struggle with anger issues.  A few times it has almost been amusing to watch such pastors who were confronted with their anger issue to demonstrate it's reality through their rejection of that confrontation.  Of course, this is not limited to pastors but can be found in all Christians.  I have seen and heard some truly horrible things in church gatherings that demonstrate how much of a problem anger is in people's lives.  As I reflected on Stott's words I realized that most of the conflict and anger that erupts in churches is seldom about evil; it is nearly always about injured vanity.  Somebody didn't get their way, and a firestorm ignites.

The Bible does not forbid anger.  It tells us that we can become angry and yet not sin.  I have to agree with Stott that the anger that is allowed should be towards evil.  We should get angry over the violence that occurs in our streets.  We should be angry at the drug trafficking that destroys lives.  The church should be angry at the exploitation of women and young people in the sex trafficking that occurs today.  We should be angry at discrimination in all its forms.  We should be angry at the death of so many unborn children through legalized abortion.  We should be angry at the number of children who go to bed every night hungry while living in the wealthiest nation in the world.  We should be angry at the lack of moral restraints that passes as entertainment today.  We should be angry at a government that has usurped the role of God in many people's lives, at the political correctness in our society that tells a child he cannot talk about Jesus in school, and at political leaders who fatten their own checkbooks while ignoring the needs of the people who elected them to office.

But, we aren't.  Most political leaders know they can ignore our concerns because many of us seldom vote, and if we do, like most Americans we vote our pocketbook and not our values.  Seldom do we hear preaching from our pulpits that addresses these issues.  Our board meetings and business meetings seldom include any discussion about how to address these issues in our communities.    We are content to talk about whether the pastor should get a one percent or a one-and-a-half percent pay increase and what color carpet should we install in the sanctuary.  And, too often, if our suggestion isn't approved, that's when we get angry.

The church faces some real challenges today, and if we are going to meet those challenges we are going to have to get angry, real angry but only at the things that makes God angry.  God's wrath is directed at the evil that harms his creation and the persons for whom Christ gave his life.  When we get angry enough at that evil that we actually begin to try to do something about it the church will once again become what God intended for it to be and genuine revival will break out.