2020 was a year of tremendous stress for everyone. It was certainly a challenging time for churches and their leadership. Many had to learn new technologies and new ways of doing church. Even prior to the pandemic, pastoral ministry has been considered one of the most stressful of all occupations. Much of that stress is due to the unrealistic expectations some churches have for their pastors and pastors have for themselves. If you are a pastor reading this, see if you have any of these expectations for yourself, and if you are a layperson in a church, ask yourself if your church have these expectations for the pastor.
While serving as a denominational minister I was at a dinner sitting next to the chair of a pastor search committee. She said, with what I felt was some pride in her voice, that they had been looking for a new pastor for three years without finding the right person. I responded that they needed to quit looking for someone who walks on water. Pastors are people just like anyone else. We have certain gifts and skills that God has given us, and when we work in those areas we are reasonably effective. Many of the tasks often assigned to pastors are outside of that gift-set. Although we try to fulfill those tasks we face criticism when we do not perform them well. Not only do we encounter push-back from some in the congregation for that, we can begin to feel like failures ourselves. No one can do everything well. I tell pastors to work as much as possible in the areas of your strengths and try to manage your weaknesses. Often, that management will consist of trying to delegate those tasks to others who are more gifted in those areas that the pastor is. As a side-note, the pastor they did call only stayed there 18 months. He could not live up to the expectations of the congregation.
A common complaint heard from pastor's spouses is that they feel they live in a glass fishbowl. They feel everyone is watching them and expecting them to be the perfect family. A pastor friend of mine was fired when the church learned his unmarried daughter became pregnant. The church leadership informed him of his termination while he was in the hospital recovering from an illness. Pastor's families are no different than other families. We have good times and we go through rough patches just like everyone else. Just like other families in the church, we can even have arguments on the way to the worship service. Unfortunately, our humanity does not change the expectations some in the church have that the pastor's family should be the model family for everyone else to follow. I know of one church that became upset when the pastor's young son acted up during a children's choir rehearsal. It was the topic of conversation for weeks in the church. I've said more than once that the reason pastor's kids misbehave is because they play with the deacon's kids! Most pastor's families have enough stress without having to live up to the unrealistic expectations of others.
Because of the pandemic many churches are facing financial challenges that have resulted in some pastors either having to leave the ministry to provide for their families or pursuing a bivocational role in the church. Even before the pandemic, most pastors were earning less than other professionals with similar education. I can remember when our local theater let pastors and their families attend movies free and other stores gave pastors a discount on their purchases. Those days are mostly gone. Pastors pay the same for the goods and services they buy but often with less money. For too long, some churches have subsidized their own lack of stewardship with the low salaries they paid their pastors. This needs to stop. It is unfair to the pastors and their families to expect them to live with an inadequate income that does not reflect their education and the work they do.
All the blame for these unrealistic expectations do not fall on the church. Sometimes pastors are our own worst enemies. As Dr. Phil often says, we teach people how to treat us. Not wanting to rock the boat, or in an effort to be a people-pleaser we often do not advocate for fair treatment. We accept the criticism for things we do not do well and strive harder to them better in the future. We let people hold our families to a higher expectation than they have for other families. We let churches dictate our salaries and benefits without informing them of what we and our families need. As mature Christians we should be able to have conversations about these things.
As we begin a new year, take time to look at the expectations you have of your pastor, and pastors take a look at your own expectations. Let's develop healthier expectations and enjoy a more rewarding ministry.
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