When people leave

Few things frighten a pastor more than to hear that an individual or family is leaving the church.  Sometimes people leave because they are moving; that's OK.  When it hurts is when the people leave for reasons that always somehow seem to be the fault of the pastor.  Some of the complaints are quite common:  "I'm just not being fed here anymore."  "I don't like the music we use in our services."  "Things are changing too fast."  "I don't feel we have a pastor who believes the Bible anymore."  "I won't go to a church that doesn't have a sanctuary to meet in."  "I won't go to a church where the pastor doesn't wear a suit and tie when he preaches."    No matter how you cut it, each of these are directly or indirectly the fault of the pastor, or at least that's the way it feels.  If enough people leave, the pastor can expect a call from the board to address the problems.  In far too many churches, especially smaller churches, the pastor will automatically be seen as the cause of the problem.  Few smaller churches want to admit that the problem might be the spiritual immaturity of the ones leaving.

Let me say right now that I have met a number of pastors whose problems were the result of their own actions and/or attitudes.  Someone asked me in a workshop I was leading why so many churches stabbed their pastors in the back.  My response was that I thought more pastors shot themselves in the foot than were stabbed in the back.  Anytime a pastor tries to push things on people before they are ready there will be issues.  A pastor who believes he or she is the de facto leader because of his or her position is destined for a hard fall.  Such people understand nothing about leadership.  The right to lead must be earned; it is not automatically granted.  True leadership is servant leadership, and when a pastor faithfully serves a congregation for a period of time he or she will earn the trust of the congregation and the right to lead.

Doing the right things with the right attitude doesn't mean that people still won't blame the pastor for all the various complaints listed above.  After all, isn't it the responsibility of the pastor to feed the people?  Or should spiritually mature people be able to feed themselves?  When I was a baby my mother fed me every bite of food I consumed, but there came a time when I was expected to feed myself.  I shudder to think what would happen if I told my wife it was her responsibility to feed me!  Maybe the ones complaining they are not being fed at their church would be able to feed themselves if they took their Bibles out of the floorboard of their cars during the week and read it for themselves.

For the sake of time I won't go into each of the complaints I listed above, but I think you get the idea.  Spiritually immature people suffer from "I" disease.  They think everything in the church revolves around them, and if their particular preferences are not being met the church and, especially, the pastor is at fault.  They will leave to find that perfect church that seems to exist in many people's minds. 

When such people leave there are some things the pastor should do.  One, consider their complaints or issues.  Is there any validity to what they are saying?  If there is a kernal of truth in their comments, this presents you with a great time to make some changes in your leadership.  Admit what is true, but don't accept the totality of their complaints.  Second, this is a good time to check your attitudes.  You've probably known they were unhappy for some time.  Have you been ignoring them or avoiding them?  When you have talked to them, how was the tone of your voice?  Did you really listen to their concerns, or did you just blow them off as chronic complainers?  There is little you can do about how people feel about you, but there is much you can do about your attitude towards such people.  Third, wish them well in their new church.  Be sincere as you say good-by.  Avoid the temptation to tell them off as they are leaving, and resist the even greater temptation to criticize them to others after they are gone.  Take the high road.  It always pays off.  Finally, refuse to beat yourself up over their leaving.  Maybe some of it was your fault.  There's nothing you can do about that now except learn some important lessons and vow to do better next time.  No pastor will please every person all the time.  Accept that and work with the ones who are still with you.